Bits that I can call out in isolation like this: "For her, keeping up appearances is social glue, not deceit. Layer by layer, she collects the silt of status, securing her shoreline. I drift beside her, half-drowned"
...and this: "“What a shame that she looks like a boy,” my mom said when we returned home.
Well, isn’t everything a fucking shame?"
But most of all, I love the way it comes together with a message of identity across culture, sexuality, space and all the things in between. As someone with a poor reputation for writing anything of length, this inspired me to try harder to stick with something long enough to whittle it into shape. You can tell the time, effort and layers that went into this. And damn, it's so good.
Beautiful, Lily! I so admire the courage and honesty with which you write. Something I aspire to ◡̈
Your takeaway about eroticism and wanting reminds me of how Ester Perel describes the erotic—in a broader sense like play, vitality and adventure. Kudos on a great essay!
I think you write with a lot of courage already Rachel! Esp with your real name attached. You can call me more courageous when I stop being pseudonymous :)
Yes yes, I had a discussion on Esther Perel with Jenny re: eroticism. I've watched/listened to her talks but haven't yet read her work. May need to revisit the topic of the erotic once I read more lit.
Wonderful writing here. So many good lines and descriptors. The shame line Claire referenced was also one of my favs. Also, your mom “cuntblocking” - I laughed out loud at that one, then had to pivot quickly when my daughters asked why I was laughing— to “jie”, which said SO much in so little. I kept wondering as I read, if intimacy is (thematically) the opposite of shame, the way addicts claim connection is the opposite of addiction. Your posts always give me a lot to think about, emotionally. That’s rare for me, as for most posts it’s usually one or the other.
Hahaha your poor daughters!! I smiled so much reading your comment.
Thanks for making that connection about connection <> addiction and the erotic/intimacy <> shame, that makes me think a lot too. And appreciate you sharing about the thinking+emotional, that's an insight I didn't have access to regarding my writing. Hopefully I keep doing that!
LOVE Love love this, Lily! Your essays are always a lyrical experience. Thank you for sharing your authenticity, allowing us to see our own humanity reflected in the waters too. <3
"Shame froze me over the years, damming up all other emotions, submerging them under its slow-sinking, twisting nausea, folding me inwards, away from the prying, judging gaze of others and towards the harshest, most unforgiving gaze of all: my own."
I loved being carried away in the swirls and ache of your writing, Lily.
That was exceptional Lily, your rawness in writing always amazes me! I resonated so much with the sexual shame part. My grandma is always the first to tell me it's ok my asexual, aromantic self doesn't have a boyfriend yet, and you're right, that's how we know it's not actually ok!
…have to agree with the software…tops of the tops here…the balance of the yearn coupled with the metaphorical waters acting as water does…i had a friend i always crushed on that asked me to kiss and date her on a visit two years after i moved away and rather than give her and me the satisfaction of whatever obsessive dream i had lived in from kindergarten to then, i gave her an aerosmith cassingle and fell in love with alicia silverstone like all the other dweebs i knew…i think the song was cryin’ and i never saw her again…this journey you shared has so much in it…appreciate your willingness to pore/pour…
…i’m almost certain it’s the opposite…also lol would it be sadder/funnier if i mentioned this was my skipped first kiss?…aww man some day will have to dig this one out…i so enjoy your writing lily…you hold onto your version of you impenetrably transparently…it’s worth a round of applause and drinks…inspiring and if nothing else makes me want to write better…
“And I’m no astronaut, just a tourist in a rented rocket. Reality has a heavier gravity, and I relish its pull as I descend into a landscape redrawn, a sky rearranged.”
So much in this essay — the water, water in landscape, this planet, other planets (Mars, the Three Body Problem which I hear is considerably more sexist in the original), bodies, family, and the erotic. Deeply grateful for your vulnerability and beautiful writing.
That's probably bad from a personal branding standpoint hahaha! But this is all just exploratory so I'm just glad you read it!
The water system was kind of hard to build out logically, I had Dujiangyan locked in from the beginning, but because I wasn't articulating saving face -> shame -> me too well, I had to rewrite it a bunch of times. Glad you enjoyed the metaphor!
There are so many things I love about this essay.
Bits that I can call out in isolation like this: "For her, keeping up appearances is social glue, not deceit. Layer by layer, she collects the silt of status, securing her shoreline. I drift beside her, half-drowned"
...and this: "“What a shame that she looks like a boy,” my mom said when we returned home.
Well, isn’t everything a fucking shame?"
But most of all, I love the way it comes together with a message of identity across culture, sexuality, space and all the things in between. As someone with a poor reputation for writing anything of length, this inspired me to try harder to stick with something long enough to whittle it into shape. You can tell the time, effort and layers that went into this. And damn, it's so good.
Ah thank you for reading it so thoroughly! I appreciate your storytelling capabilities so am noting when phrases turn in your mind.
Hope to see you with longer stories :) and in turn I want to also practice writing shorter pieces!
Can't wait to see you soon 💓
Beautiful, Lily! I so admire the courage and honesty with which you write. Something I aspire to ◡̈
Your takeaway about eroticism and wanting reminds me of how Ester Perel describes the erotic—in a broader sense like play, vitality and adventure. Kudos on a great essay!
I think you write with a lot of courage already Rachel! Esp with your real name attached. You can call me more courageous when I stop being pseudonymous :)
Yes yes, I had a discussion on Esther Perel with Jenny re: eroticism. I've watched/listened to her talks but haven't yet read her work. May need to revisit the topic of the erotic once I read more lit.
Omg I love all parts of it. The intermediate Chinese yt video. The scanning qr code of menu instead of paying. And saving face! So so good 😭
Thank you Becky!! You're the best person to have read it <3
Wonderful writing here. So many good lines and descriptors. The shame line Claire referenced was also one of my favs. Also, your mom “cuntblocking” - I laughed out loud at that one, then had to pivot quickly when my daughters asked why I was laughing— to “jie”, which said SO much in so little. I kept wondering as I read, if intimacy is (thematically) the opposite of shame, the way addicts claim connection is the opposite of addiction. Your posts always give me a lot to think about, emotionally. That’s rare for me, as for most posts it’s usually one or the other.
Hahaha your poor daughters!! I smiled so much reading your comment.
Thanks for making that connection about connection <> addiction and the erotic/intimacy <> shame, that makes me think a lot too. And appreciate you sharing about the thinking+emotional, that's an insight I didn't have access to regarding my writing. Hopefully I keep doing that!
LOVE Love love this, Lily! Your essays are always a lyrical experience. Thank you for sharing your authenticity, allowing us to see our own humanity reflected in the waters too. <3
You gave phenomenal feedback as usual <3
"Shame froze me over the years, damming up all other emotions, submerging them under its slow-sinking, twisting nausea, folding me inwards, away from the prying, judging gaze of others and towards the harshest, most unforgiving gaze of all: my own."
I loved being carried away in the swirls and ache of your writing, Lily.
Thank you for your careful reading as always, Brigitte <3 I admire your beautiful prose, means a lot that you would appreciate mine
This is so so good. A beautiful personal essay.
Thank you so much for reading it!! Means a lot coming from you
Love the writing!
Means a lot! 🙏 Hope your book is coming along well - if you need any reviewing, lmk!
That was exceptional Lily, your rawness in writing always amazes me! I resonated so much with the sexual shame part. My grandma is always the first to tell me it's ok my asexual, aromantic self doesn't have a boyfriend yet, and you're right, that's how we know it's not actually ok!
You gave exceptional feedback! I had to spend another 10-12 hours rethinking/rewriting the first half to make it make sense.
Re: your grandma - it do be like that. Different era, different orientation towards the world.
…have to agree with the software…tops of the tops here…the balance of the yearn coupled with the metaphorical waters acting as water does…i had a friend i always crushed on that asked me to kiss and date her on a visit two years after i moved away and rather than give her and me the satisfaction of whatever obsessive dream i had lived in from kindergarten to then, i gave her an aerosmith cassingle and fell in love with alicia silverstone like all the other dweebs i knew…i think the song was cryin’ and i never saw her again…this journey you shared has so much in it…appreciate your willingness to pore/pour…
Ok if you say it CansaFis then I fully believe it! Top tier editor with top tier artistic eye.
Aw your story...it's so sweet and sad in a way that only happens with unconsummated yearning! I bet she still associates Aerosmith with you <3
…i’m almost certain it’s the opposite…also lol would it be sadder/funnier if i mentioned this was my skipped first kiss?…aww man some day will have to dig this one out…i so enjoy your writing lily…you hold onto your version of you impenetrably transparently…it’s worth a round of applause and drinks…inspiring and if nothing else makes me want to write better…
Skipped first kiss makes it all the more tragicomic!! You simply must dig it out and write in your lyrical way about it :D
“And I’m no astronaut, just a tourist in a rented rocket. Reality has a heavier gravity, and I relish its pull as I descend into a landscape redrawn, a sky rearranged.”
So much in this essay — the water, water in landscape, this planet, other planets (Mars, the Three Body Problem which I hear is considerably more sexist in the original), bodies, family, and the erotic. Deeply grateful for your vulnerability and beautiful writing.
I'm glad that part spoke to you! It was my favorite paragraph to write. Appreciate you floating down the river with me on this one.
Re: TBP being even more sexist in the original, makes me want to really learn Chinese further to confirm/deny this!
I never what to expect when I read your essays - love the use of water throughout the essay
That's probably bad from a personal branding standpoint hahaha! But this is all just exploratory so I'm just glad you read it!
The water system was kind of hard to build out logically, I had Dujiangyan locked in from the beginning, but because I wasn't articulating saving face -> shame -> me too well, I had to rewrite it a bunch of times. Glad you enjoyed the metaphor!
I fall through you into a wordful warm river of rich metaphor, inspired by beautiful descriptions of shame. Thank you, Lily.
You quote from one of my favorite paragraphs I've written :') You're the best Matthew.